Musings
by bardicfaerie
Summary: I started this as a stalker case involving Morgan. I thought I would do a series of short blurbs about Morgan's reactions to cases he'd worked on and how his past with Carl Buford affected his reactions and feelings. I do not own Criminal Minds!
1. Chapter 1

IN NAME AND BLOOD

We were so out of our depth here in Milwaukee. Three people working the case and none of us knowing what exactly was going on with Hotch, or Prentiss. Strauss is not making things easy, she shouldn't be in the field, and her attitude is not helping. The only thing we can do is try and work this case. I've phoned Hotch a few times, not to force him to come back, but because we're lost. I think if it weren't for the actual case and something to think about, losing ourselves in the actual job, we'd all have gone crazy. Thank God Hotch and Prentiss showed up! There was an immediate shift, a balance returning.

I think there's also the problem with Gideon leaving. I understand the job getting to him, and what Frank did, but disappearing like that? Abandoning us? I can see Reid struggling to figure it out, and I admit I'm having a hard time of it. This case has been like trying to survive the loss of our parents, not knowing where to turn or what to do next. I thought Gideon would always be there, and then the uncertainty of whether Hotch would be there - I'm so exhausted by the time we get back to the hotel at night that I don't know what I'm doing. I think Hotch realized my panic when I asked him if it was true, that he wasn't leaving us. I know this job is taking its toll on him, what's this decision going to do to his family?

I looked up to Gideon. I know he was more of a mentor/father figure to Reid, but he was also a mentor to me. I learned so much from him, and he let me discover things about myself along the way. I don't know how to feel about his abandonment. It was an abandonment, nothing else. I think I could have understood it more if he told us he was leaving, rather than just didn't show up for work, I don't know. It's like I lost my father all over again, and, honestly, that surprised me. He knew things about me, just like Hotch did, and he still respected me. That meant a lot to me, and that helped me more than I thought it would.

Our unsub used his son to capture women and torture them. What legacy was he leaving his son? From what we understood, the unsub was dying and would soon leave his son, and this is the image he leaves him with? How's that for abandonment issues?

The night we returned from catching Smith, I had nightmares. I was the victim, cuffed, blindfolded, hanging from the rafters, feeling Smith's hands all over my body, feeling the heat of his anger. Feeling helpless, like Carl made me feel.


	2. Chapter 2

CHILDREN OF THE DARK - BOULDER, COLORADO

"Why do we pick the most vulnerable, the innocent to harm and corrupt? Is it man's nature? A survival of the fittest thing? Where the father kills the offspring to ensure he remains the dominant male of the group? I'm sure Reid can quote statistics and references to support that. People invading the most basic needs - the sanctuary of the home, sanctity of the family. Now it's broken homes, foster care - the system's overloaded and the families either doen't care, can't cope, or just take the kids for the money. They abuse the system and the children. They abuse the child's need to feel protected, safe, loved. To trust the people who take care of them. Tyler is strong, he'll survive. I gotta believe that.

It was heartbreaking walking back into that house and seeing Tyler with that gun. But he didn't shoot her - he could have, but he didn't. We were there to hear his cry for help. God I wish we were there to hear more, to save more. It was so frustrating not being able to get Tyler out of that house, to help him. It could have ended so differently. What did they do to him? What are we doing to our children? Why do we treat them as possessions, rather than precious parts of ourselves?

I had nightmares after we got back to Virginia. Child cases always make me think of him. Makes me feel powerless, helpless, out of control.

i

Carl handed Morgan a glass of amber liquid. "Try it."

Morgan took a cautious sip. The liquid burned down his throat. Coughing, he pushed the glass away. Carl smiled.

"Take it slow. It's an acquired taste. Try it again."

Obediently, Morgan took another sip. This time, while it still burned, it went down smoother.

They spent some time talking about Morgan's progress as a quarterback, and what still needed to be corrected and worked on. Eventually Carl rose from the table, and Morgan followed suit. His head felt light, and he stumbled. He felt Carl's hand on his arm. He let Carl lead him out of the kitchen, giggling softly.

He crawled onto the large bed, feeling the mattress dip behind him as Carl followed him. Morgan didn't have the energy to turn over. He felt Carl's hand on his back, heard him murmur something about helping Morgan get ready for bed, the shifting of material as Carl undressed him, then the shocking feeling of Carl's body pressing against him, his hands running up and down his body, caressing......

i/


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks to The Pink Siamese for her help in polishing these snippets/flashers up to the point where I can post them!

SEVEN SECONDS - POTOMAC MILLS, VIRGINIA

A child abduction case. God I'm getting to hate them! We know the statistics. What we didn't expect was for the family to be involved. Putting the guilt on the kid! Jeremy was as much a victim as Katie - his was more of neglect and the burden of knowledge; knowing who kidnapped her, knowing what his father was doing to her! A family friend betraying trust is one thing... but family itself?! An uncle, a father, an aunt? Blaming Katie for what was being done to her, like it was her fault! They abandoned their child for their own selfish needs. I understand Jeremy. I understand the burden placed on his shoulders.

I didn't tell my mother about Carl. She had enough to worry about with raising three kids on her own. I had to be the man of the family, be strong, shoulder the responsibilities, try to make life better. I couldn't add to her stress. I think she thought my attitude, my moods were just about growing up, having to be a man instead of being a kid, not having a father to turn to. She was thankful that Carl was in my life. It gave her a sense of comfort that I had a good role model to look up to.

i

It's the loss of control that is the issue, not the physical aspect of what has happened. I understand being beaten by someone stronger than myself ... the idea of a fair fight between two people .... one will win, one will lose. It's a battle we wage every time we steps off the plane in another city, another town. Who will be stronger? The unsub or the BAU? The criminal or Derek Morgan? But not being in control of that battle, that is what strikes me down. Willingly giving up control to another person - putting myself in someone else's hands - that's one thing. That's control of a different type. Having no choice in the matter, being blindsided and forced to give up that control: that's something else. That's something I never wants to feel again. Running, martial arts, weapons work - that was being in control of my body, how it reacted and responded, molded and made to do what I wanted it to do. Same with my personal life - I chose who to see, when, how long. It wasn't that I didn't want a long term relationship. Look at Hotch, Gideon, Rossi - their relationships didn't last because of this job, so I chose not to get too involved with any one person. Less chance of her getting hurt, and I was more in control - of my reactions, body, mind and soul.

That was the problem with Carl. He took things out of my control. He used the fact that he was bigger, stronger, older, to take from me something that he never should have had. The fact that Carl used his position of authority, of trust, made it bad; what made it worse was the fact that he didn't take things by force - he took things by seduction. He seduced me into trusting him by giving him what he wanted, what he needed, a father figure, a role model, a positive role model, nothing like the gangs I was running with, the drug dealers and pimps that threatened to undermine all the good that was in my life, and the good my father had instilled in me. Carl gave back that goodness, helping me stay out of the gangs, stay off the streets, gave me a goal to reach for. Then he exacted his price by taking away my control.

"You could have said no." No matter how much I have resolved the issue of Carl Buford, those words will forever haunt me. Haunt me because of their truth and because of their lies. Carl was trying to say that I had been in control of the situation - I could have ended it - but what was the price? I had been old enough, adult enough to know, by the end of it, that I had to choose. That I had the ability to chooose. Was the price I was paying to become better than the other kids I knew worth Carl Buford's seduction? Was the scholarship worth it? I had come to the conclusion that it had been worth it. What Carl had done had shaped my life - good and bad - I wouldn't have been in the BAU if I hadn't known Carl, hadn't wanted to stop others like him. What Carl had done had made me resolve never to let someone else take control of me. i


	4. Chapter 4

Identity

Well, David Rossi, another FBI legend, rejoined the BAU a while back. We're slowly finding a place for him, not sure what to expect really. He's old-school, not used to working with a team as we learned in Texas, but he's trying. I think. He's also trying to figure out our strengths and weaknesses. Sizing us up, pushing our buttons, straightforward and blunt.

We're in Great Falls, Montana, looking for an unsub. Well, looking for his victim. Goring killed himself before we got involved, but his last victim is still missing. We profiled he had a partner. Well, Rossi decided I was the one to go talk to the local militia. Hotch agreed and suggested I take JJ. Now, one thing the militia doesn't like too much around here is FBI! Add to that, a Negro and a female, you've got their backs up! The other thing we have against us is the fiasco of Ruby Ridge. There's a reason we're not popular in Montana.

If Rossi thought he could throw me with his suggestion of meeting up with Harris Townsend, he was wronng. I grew up in Chicago, son of a mixed marriage. I can handle attitude and prejudice, I've dealt with it all my life - if not from the whites who see me as black; then the homeboys who only see that my skin is lighter than theirs. Attitude doesn't bother me. If Townsend thought he'd intimidate me with his tired conspiracy theories and vague gun threats, I hope I proved him wrong. I don't have to like the man, and he doesn't have to like me. As I said, I was here to do right by Goring's victims, not worry about whose toes I was stepping on.

I have to say, I don't like the idea of Rossi ordering me around like that. Not the ordering around so much, hell, Hotch tells me what to do all the time. It's the reason behind the order that gets my back up. I'm nobody's puppet and I don't like feeling like one. Maybe this is Rossi's way of profiling me, maybe just him trying to figure out what I can do, and how I'll go about doing it. I don't know if Hotch has told him anything about Chicago, can't say that's any of his business. I am in control of myself and how I react to the different situations we find ourselves in. I've moved on. Carl has made me stronger, not weaker.


	5. Chapter 5

LUCKY

Garcia is all hot and bothered over this guy she ran into at the coffee shop. Some 'smokin' hot guy' whose computer she fixed. She's a little leery, which is good in this day and age. I told her to trust her instincts. She may not understand, but she is a beautiful woman. She's comfortable in her skin, which is great, she presumes that others see the package and doesn't see the soul. She fails to realize that beauty comes in all forms, and her beautiful soul - the packaging is no where big enough for that soul of hers!

So we have an unsub who is chopping people up, but before he kills his victim, he makes her eat her own fingers?! The case had overtones of Satanic rituals, so on the flight down to Florida, Reid started talking about good and evil and when I scoffed at the idea, he told me it was because I didn't believe in God. Reid's right. I don't believe in God anymore.

So, after that conversation, Rossi wouldn't let me back down from Father Marks, the priest comforting the victim's parents, wouldn't let me back away from confronting my demons. Yeah, I gave the priest attitude, I couldn't help myself, the resentment was there. Rossi giving me 'opportunity for personal growth'. Yeah, right. Thanks. Father Marks seems to think all the answers are with God. How could God allow this to happen? Why would he put a man like Carl Buford on this earth to prey on little children? Why would he allow Feylinn to exist? Father Marks seems to think that God gave me only as much as I could handle. God expects too much from 13 year old boys if he expects them to handle what happened to me. I've talked to people, there's the idea that the bad people are on this earth so that the good people, or the people he comes in contact with, can learn a lesson in their life. A little to Zen for me, I think.

I knew that I shouldn't have taken my anger out on Father Marks, that's why I went loooking for him. Not because I believed in his God anymore. Rossi and I talked a bit on the plane back home. He tells me, like Reid said earlier, that if you believe in the one, evil, you have to believe in the other, good. I believe in good and evil, but God and the Devil? I used to believe, I used to go to church every day, praying for my situation to stop, for someone to stop Carl. It didn't happen. If this was a Zen karma thing, what did I have to learn? And why did it have to take me years to learn it? I grew up, grew out of his type. God didn't strike him down, give him a change of heart. James, myself. We were having a hard enough time in life, why did God have to add to that? Weren't we struggling enough for Him? And Feylinn? What, the 'Devil's own luck?' He was lucky for some reason, let out of the institution at 18, his records lost when the place burned down. Why did he get all the breaks? What lesson did his victims have to learn? That they were fodder for the Devil?

I prayed to God. I I told him what was happening. God didn't help me. If God couldn't, or wouldn't help me, why would anyone else?

I let Carl do what he did. He was the closest thing I had to a father, and the person I thought would help me stay off the streets and make something of myself. It took me a long time to realize it was me doing all that, not Carl. It's like I told James - I did it, not Carl, just like James did it. I got myself off the streets. I could have given up. I pulled myself out of the gutter, all the way to the FBI. I did that. It was my strength, my determination. That's how I dealt with Carl. I know I should have told someone, but I was ashamed. I don't know how many other kids he abused over the past 15 years. I admit blame for that. I could have prevented others from being victims if I had spoken up.

It doesn't stop me from feeling like I let Carl do what he did just so I could get out. Carl could have thrown me away, like so much garbage, like the kids he killed, rather than helping me, expunging my record, writing that recommendation. But it was me that fought for it, fought to get there. I know I didn't win all the battles, but I didn't give up. I refuse to be a victim. Was that my 'lesson' - how to be strong? To stand on my own two feet? To not trust anyone else? Strength I can see, but why would I need to learn about trust?

I really upset Garcia. I think she trusted me to be on her side, to give her encouragement. I was on her side. I am on her side. It was really bad wording, really putting my foot in my mouth. I love the woman to death. I'd do anything for her, step in front of a bullet for her! She has to believe that! She has to know that!


	6. Chapter 6

Penelope

I love Garcia to death. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her. And I wasn't there to protect her. I was in church. Feylinn had given me things to think of, and that priest didn't help, but he also made me think. I don't back down from anything - so being afraid of going to church, being angry at god when I was brought up to have faith - well, I realized I was taking my anger out on the wrong 'person'.

So, I was at church while Garcia was fighting for her life on an operating table. Doctor says it was a miracle the way the bullet hit and travelled. She could walk out of the hospital in a few days. Did my praying help? Was that where I was supposed to be in order to protect her? To help her?

I'm not sure what I was angrier about ... the fact that I pissed Garcia off and basically pushed her into the arms of a killer, or the fact that she lay in a hospital room and I couldn't do anything to help her. Reid told me to calm down, but that's not what I needed to do right at the moment. I needed to strike out. I needed to protect. I was angry at myself for not being there to protect her. No one protected me when I needed it and it frustrates me every time I fail to protect someone else, especailly someone as close to me as Garcia is.

I felt like God abandoned me, and I didn't ever want Garcia to feel that way about me. She's so vibrant, so alive, so... Garcia. I've never felt so helpless since I was thirteen years old.

It's not that I think she needs protecting. She's one tough lady, and I hate being on her bad side. She's very protective of the team, any of her friends. I do feel protective of her however.

She has such an innocent soul. Every time that soul gets bruised, I hurt for her. She makes it possible for me to get through most of the cases. She's my God-given solace.


	7. Chapter 7

In Heat

Mmmmm. South Beach. Nice, hot and scenic! Too bad we weren't here for the scenary.

Bit of a surprise to see Will LaFontaine there. Good thing we're FBI agents trained at keeping our emotions under wraps or we'd have been laughing at the way JJ kept dancing around the fact that she and Will were seeing each other. We're profilers, did she really think we wouldn't figure that out?

JJ did provide an insight into the unsub. Someone hiding who he was because his father made his liffe miserable; tried to change who he was. That low self-esteem and the abuse took him oer the edge and he took it out on those who were at ease with their sexuality. I don't know if anyone had ever told him that homosexuality was okay (besides his sister) or that there was nothing wrong with him. It was too late to help him, of course. It usually is.

I've never had a problem with an individual's preferences, despite Carl. Maybe my experience with Carl has given me a better insight into Michael's mind. No one should be ostrasized or bullied because of who they are. As JJ said a couple of weeks ago: 'Sometimes what an unsub does actually makes sense.'

On the plus side, JJ admitted her relationship with Will - in action at least - and I have a standing invitation to come down to South Beach.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: One of the things that I really enjoy about Criminal Minds is the fact that the team are a family. There are certain episodes where we see that more than others. I think it's one of the reasons Morgan is my favorite character. You see his protectiveness towards everyone - most evident towards Garcia and Reid, but also to the victims. He'll go through Hell to protect those he cares about.

Lo-Fi/Mayhem

New York City. Shades of Son of Sam, shades of 9/11. A city in fear, not knowing who to trust.

It's all about trust. So easily betrayed, so hard to earn. I trust this team. I trust Hotch. He doesn't believe that. He knows why I have trust issues. Does he really think if I couldn't tell my family about what happened to me, that I could talk about it to him?

I learned to rely on myself. I shaped my life, made the decisions. That started the day I stood over my father's bloody corpse and knew that I had to protect my mom and sisters. It wasn't lack of trust in my family that kept me quiet. It was protection ... and stubborn pride; shame. I had a strong family base: I could have told them. What kind of protector would I have been then? I was like James letting it happen because I couldn't see any other way of getting out of there, of making something of myself. What Carl taught me was that I could depend on MYSELF, no one else. I took responsibility for my actions, my decisions. That extended to keeping my mouth shut. I'm responsible in part for not keeping James safe because I didn't tell. I'll have to live with that.

What Hotch doesn't understand is - I trust him - I respect him and his decisions. I can give Joyner the benefit of the doubt, but I don't know her, why should I trust her?

The higher ups were looking at me to oversee the New York office. Might be nice to be in charge; but then there's trusting the people working with me. I don't think I'm ready for that.

Driving the ambulance wasn't about trust - it was protecting my family, protecting the innocent. My responsibility. The one I started to shoulder when I was 10 years old and the one I took full responsibility of at 13. I don't think I thought of it consciously, but how could Des and Sarah look to me for protection if they knew about Carl? How could Mama give me responsibility?

Like I told James, he's the one that would get himself off the streets of Chicago, just like I did. 'I pulled myself out of the gutter, all the way to the FBI'. James is on the road to a good life if he can deal with Carl's betrayal.

Hotch was in no condition to do anything about the bomb; Reid - tough kid, maybe I tend to be too protective of him but, Hell! I'm the protector of my family so its up to me to do whatever it takes to keep them safe.

Hotch didn't think I'd let him drive. I spoke the truth to him - his opinion matters to me. That's the trust I have in him. I'd walk through Hell for him, and I'll protect him - from himself it I have to.


	9. Chapter 9

Omnivore

I think there was a growing weariness, numbness, since New York. Never before had we had to deal so intimately with the possibility of one of the team dying. There's always the possibility of injury, always scary when its not you in the situation. Intellectually, you realize that your teammates have been trained to deal with torture and pain, just like you have. Emotionally its a lot harder to deal with - Prentiss and Reid being held hostage in a religious compound, Reid struggling with his memories and his resentment regarding his father; Prentiss dealing with the death of her friend Matthew.

All of it weighs down on you, exhausts you. Day after day, seeing the bad in people. I really don't know how Garcia is able to keep seeing the good in people, keep holding onto that spark of brightness. Thank god she does, because sometimes it's only her voice that helps pull me through the day.

I think the worst cases, the worst unsubs are the ones that aren't really bad - like the graphic artist who saw his girlfriend raped and murdered in front of him and was nearly killed himself. I think I would have a psychotic break to! The ones were there is so obviously a reason for the crimes are the hardest cases to get through. Those cases wear me out more than any others.

Secrets and pasts can be dealt with individually, by ourselves. It's when we get others involved in the secrets that it becomes so painful.

Foyet weighed on us all, even though we obviously targeted Hotch. The rest of us were just the bit players in all of this. Hotch took it much harder because he worked the original case. It was one of those cases, the ones that haunted him over the years.

Foyet could have easily killed me, but like Hotch said - he's all about power and manipulation. He figured he could torment me by reminding me that he could have killed me.

This guy definitely is going to haunt us all for a long time. The one that got away. How many more poeople will he kill before we find him again?


End file.
